I’ve actually pondered this question before as well, and it wasn’t until a discussion with my own mother about marriage that I began to understood the differences in Asian couples and American couples. A lot of it has to do with the difference in culture and the motive for getting married.

For immigrants who get married after they’ve left China, it’s almost always for economical and survival reasons. They’re single and in a foreign country, most likely relying on the help from relatives. They might get married to improve their conditions, or maybe they married to get a legal green card to stay in the US. It’s not unlike arranged marriages. Granted there are successful arranged marriages out there as there are sweet old Asian couples, but most of them aren’t so lucky.

For those who married while in China, it’s only the new generation of post-Mao people who grew up with the concept of marrying for love. Prior to that most girls were married young, and in a sexist society that favors boys over girls, girls were viewed as a financial burden, the sooner you marry them off the better.

This also explains why the husbands don’t carry bags or hold doors. Because they feel it’s the woman’s job to ’serve’ them. And honestly, if your husband doesn’t respect you, how could you respect him? Being lovey dovey is out of the question. You’d want to hit him for making you carry everything when you go grocery shopping.

Because of this, Asian couples might not necessarily ‘love’ each other in the passionate sense. They may grow to love one another, like an affection for the other person, but it’s no longer the giddy “I can’t wait to see you” kind.

Another thing is that divorce is still frowned upon in Asian society, and you need to think of the children. Children are held in such high esteem that a lot of women will stay in an unhappy marriage (exceptions include domestic violence) for the sake of the children. And by the time that the children are all grown up, well… they’ve kind of gotten used to each other and they tolerate each other, not unlike two roommates.

I think we, as Asians, are very lucky and privileged to be able to marry who we want regardless of race, religion or social class (though gender is still a battle being fought).

You can extend the generalization to say that (maybe) up until this generation Asian couples are not romantic! No display of affection or tenderness should ever be made in public! And by public I mean anywhere outside your own house. And if there are guests in your house – no PDA. I have 9 aunts/uncles on my dad’s side and 7 on my mom’s; I have rarely, and by rarely I mean I can count the occurrences on one hand, seen a hug, hand holding, let alone a kiss (yeeuwww!) between any of them. That’s just the way Asians roll, man!

Or maybe it’s just my family that is disfuncional?…

Luv ya!
T